I wanted to write a post about reaching over a month self injury FREE, but I’ve found it really hard writing this blog post, I was thinking of things to include and that and then suddenly I felt really weird talking about self harm, within the past 3 years I’ve struggled with this I ‘ve rarely those words out loud, or particulary talked to anyone about it, let alone share my thoughts about it with my friends and family. But then I thought I shouldn’t be ashamed, this is an addiction, I can’t pretend its not there, it affects many many peoples lives everyday, and it should be talked about, and if it is talked about maybe it’ll reduce the people which have to go through it…
It all started over three years ago now, and it just pops up out of the blue one day and from then it takes control of your life. You let it manipulate you and take advantage of your weaknesses and hold power over you. Hopefully one day ill find the courage to break out of that manipulation and take control of my own life again. These 30 days will hopefully turn into 300 days and then 3 years and so on…
I know 30 days doesn’t seem long, its only a month right? How hard can it be? But it is very difficult, it is a mental illness symptom at the end of the day… To explain why I would voluntarily hurt myself is hard, but when your own head is screaming at you nasty things and your whole body feels like it's on fire, there's this insurmountable black hole in your chest.
And,
Self-harm was not just a way to release some of this pain, but something I felt I deserved. I deserved to be hurting on the inside and out. It became twisted. It became dark. It became my addiction.
And,
That's when I noticed I wasn't hurting just myself. As much as it was hurting me, it was hurting those around me as well. So to those friends and family who knew, teachers and all the people around me,
Sorry for putting you through this torture… BUT also
Thank you for being accepting and for learning about why before you wrote me off as crazy. The friends I've had through this have come and gone but the couple who have stayed have made a huge difference in my life. Thank you for trying to understand that I'm not broken or different and that there's nothing wrong with me. Thank you for bringing me joy and laughter when I don't think it's even possible for me to smile. Thank you to any family, for never asking too many questions. Thank you for letting it be my decision and choice what I share and what I don't. Thank you for messaging me at night when my demons are too much to handle and for helping me get through my dark days by reminding me, I have your love and support. Thank you for never giving up on me, even when I seem to be too much, you've always stayed by my side and I have so much gratitude for that.
I will find myself again and I will love the girl staring back at me in the mirror, because although she is scarred…… she is strong.