Tw(?) I don’t want people to hate me, and I thought even tho its been ages since
#mentalhealthawarenessweek2018 in no way will my mental struggles stop here... so here goes nothing.. ‘I don’t want to live anymore but I’m scared to die’ is one of the most-searched mental illness confessions on Google. How do I know this? Because I’ve searched it myself. For many months, I felt unwell mentally. I really didn’t want to continue to live the way I was living anymore. But I didn’t want to die. I was afraid of dying. The fear of the unknown of what happens after death was too overwhelming, and I panicked that I might make an attempt and regret it and then it’d be too late. Also, deep down, I didn’t really want to die. I just wanted to stop existing. The overwhelming feelings of mental illness were just too much for me. My mind was constantly racing, I felt on the verge of a panic attack, I felt constantly sick, I wasn’t sleeping properly, and my moods were erratic. It got to a point where I felt I was living so miserably that I questioned the point in life at all. I started feeling heavily suicidal.
It’s incredibly difficult when you feel like you don’t want to live anymore, but you also don’t want to die. It’s like you’re constantly in limbo, weighing up the good and the bad in your life. Questioning whether you’re going to get through this or whether you’re destine for a life of hopelessness and emptiness. I was having thoughts frequently about ending my life and how I would do it. Where I would do it, when I would do it and whether it was something I really wanted. But then I think about my family, friends, amazing flatmates, uni people, my rabbits, all the people I’d be leaving behind and how losing me would affect them. The problem was that I’ve never been in a position where I’ve thought ‘the world would be better off without me’. I feel like this is such a common misconception with suicidal thoughts, like it’s something you only think about if you think nobody loves you.
But that isn’t the case for me, I have so so many people and friends which love and support me. (Edit&copied from the metro blog post to fit me more personal)))